Teen

     I swear I’m growing up.

typical teen who loves to see pretty things, n wanna try out some that are applicable. ((apart from chasing for my "ship of knowledge" , upcoming career(ameen)....of course!! that's for a bright future. InshaAllah))

~~so, in the middle of my love-hate relationship with what i'm currently studying now :

I still find myself browsing shopbop and all the online shopping websites, but I’m more cautious of what I buy. teehee.

I’ll see the clothes and think to myself, “I always buy this kind of style” or “I already have that colour” or “Is this really worth the shipping and the customs tax?” ((urmm,,maybe becuz mak used to work in finance department in customs before??,,i don't know))

After so many questions posed to my conscience, I start to think the most dangerous question of all times.

“DO I REALLY NEED IT?”

Because logic can’t be argued with, I sadly remove all the 10 items in my online basket.

And I sadly exit the browser window.

Some more depressing days, I ask myself, “Can I afford it?”

No.

Suddenly, the automated machine card just shines and glows itself from my purse, overshadowing the other junk in there.((NO zahirah!! that is your saving for a bright future. By then i mula membebel kat diri sendiri about having a good grasp in what i learnt at campus(( it's BSc(hons) Financial Mathematics zahirah!! manage ur expenses well,,u surely need it for ur own channel shoes, balenciaga bags,,,n the most prior: for postgraduate study!!))

Oh, the devil. I start picturing my dad’s face, telling me to buy it please because “I want you to be happy, my munchkin.” (He never calls me that but at this point, I think whatever I want to think)

I bite my lip and slowly reach for it.

Wait!

“Can I really live with myself making my dad pay this much for a top, when I won’t even pay that much using my own money?”

NOOOOOOOO!!! Stop it stop it stop it.

When did I become like this?! When did I become sensible?

I used to not be able to sleep if I didn’t get that one thing I was eye-ing in the shop. I used to toss and turn in bed, and stand in front of the store as soon as it opens the next day. I used to pamper myself. I used to love myself!! Ugh…my poor loveless soul.

Now, I…think.

What’s with women and thinking too much?!

Nowadays, I can look at something really really pretty and know I want it, but don’t need it. I don’t have dreams about it anymore. I don’t have the urge to buy it anymore. If I can’t have it there and then, I can easily forget about it a few hours later. And I’m even happy knowing that my account is still in tact.

I start thinking (here I go again, thinking!) about the future and how I have to save up for….the future. I don’t exactly know what the future wants me to buy, but I know it’s going to be expensive!

Ugh, growing up and responsibilities.

But come to think of it….Would my future realllyyyy be damaged if I buy this one designer top?

After all, as my good friend always says, “buy now, think later.”

Uh-oh.

I’m so confused! Hehe kidding

Expectation? Boo ya !

Z : heyy!!whadya expect?

x: eh why? bukan ke you......

c: ooo i thought you are...

many times I get this kind of statements and seriously, I rasa awkward gila. Jari mau jawab "cuba tanya orang yang cakap seperti apa anda dakwa kan"

Saya cerita kepada readers, bukan untuk tunjuk macho/cover cun,,but sebab I like typing up my blogposts as if I'm talking to friends. Friends who would understand. Kalau tak understand pun, will try to understand.

I'm not sure why, but I'm like that. Bear with me, please? =)

People now have expectations for me.

Some expect to see a crazy lunatic yang hyper all the time, some expect a hajah-like muslimah yang cukup hebat bab Islam((Hopefully one day ameen) , some expect to see a stylish person((belit shawl pon nak terbelit nak tercekik leher), some expect to see a tall person, some expect a big person, language warrior and much much more.

It's tough, I tell you that.

why?

Because I'm me. and the way I am, I'm all those mixed up in one body. I am hyper at times, religious at times, selekeh boleh, fashionable sket boleh, I can be either tall or short to you, i can be either big or small to you.

In some unfortunate events, I will not fulfill your expectations (don't over expect)

let's play a pretend game. you don't know me, i don't know you. but for some reason we have each others' facebooks, so we both cam kenal muka la. and one fine day, i see you face to face and i say "la. you tak tinggi pun!"

apa you rasa?

sentap kot. (well, that's non of my business actually)

let's say you dulu terror gila in something. let's say batu seremban. orang sume kenal you because of your awesome batu seremban skills. then one day, you just stopped playing coz you moved on to something else, something that makes you even more happier than before. but people keep asking you "main la batu seremban lagi. main laaaaa. bila nak main lagi ni???"------contoh la...of course bukan batu seremban kan------ >.<

how would you feel?

can you understand that feeling? 

you go through your normal days as usual, but then some people expect you to be the way they think you should be, but when they don't see the resemblance between the 'real you' and the 'expected you', they get disappointed and make you feel bad for not being able to be the 'expected you' with them.

faham kah?

so back to the beginning. like uolls, iolls pun ada time time i tunjuk taring and time i sorok taring. it's normal, kannnn?((kira mcm one side of me is for ppl who i really know like family,,the other side fr friends,,n hidden side for strangers gituu)) =)

oh, and please don't ever call yourself a fan. i won't allow it. unless you want to be fan = kipas. so you choose la, nak kipas dinding or kipas meja. or kipas laptop tu.

tu i allow. =p

i was a fan once((long time agoooo,,acah zamanotak kecik lg). i was so into this one artist and alhamdulillah i had the opportunity to meet him face to face. and guess what. i was disappointed. i went back home after that wondering why i was disappointed and i discovered.. it was simply because he was normal. i was expecting him to be singing when meeting me, i guess, which i thought at that moment, was completely unfair of me. since then, i just want to be an admirer. i take the good points from a person, and that's it. =)

a man is a man. a woman is a woman.

they can be famous and macho and beautiful, but in the end, they're just like everybody else. normal.

anyway, i stopped trying to live up to people's expectations, but it still hurts when people have that 'look', you know?

sometimes i tersentap sangat, that i just get really frustrated with myself. but it's weird.. coz i am supposed to be the way i am.. 

so now zeraa, what are you trying to say?

simple.

stop expecting.

why should we expect on others when we ourselves have not done our best in fulfilling Allah SWT's expectations on us?

it would mean a lot to so many people if we just stop expecting.

it would be a lot better if we can be considerate of other people's feelings.

it would be so much better if we fulfill our expectations for Allah SWT's sake, and not anybody's - note to self.

it would be so great if people would stop expecting me to reply to their tweets, messages, facebook friend's requests too. i don't live in the internet. i have work and classes now so i can't entertain everyone. it really hurts when people think i'm being sombong just because i don't reply their tweets or "don't notice them". masyAllah..


...

i really hope that i won't see that 'look' anymore =')

this is a bit off topic but it's a reminder for us all =)

Abu Hurairah reported Allah's Messenger (may peace and blessing be upon him) as saying: "Verily Allah does not look to your faces and your wealth but He looks to your heart and to your deeds." (Sahih Muslim : Book 32, Number 6221)

i just want to remind you brothers and sisters to not be so into your looks, wealth, status, etc etc. all those things, "gifts", can turn into something bad like riya', ego, arrogance, and ungratefulness.

nauzubillah min zalik! 

we must avoid being swept away by worldly matters! we need to get our hearts purified, cleaned up and filled with love for Allah SWT. we need to remember that this life is temporary, whereas the Hereafter, is forever. in sha Allah.. 

may our hearts be in it's best condition at all times. =)

sekian saja.

jazakallah khair.

assalamualaikum.

ps: i sympathise all new muslim converts yang always have to face expectations from born-muslims. i've heard on radio about how some can actually expect a convert to be able to read the Quran immediately. such thinking is prejudice and un-islamic, so please be kind to our fellow mualaf k peeps. =)