Wednesday, 27 September 2017

Muda, life is a beautiful struggle! 😉

Masa kau muda, kau naif. Kau innocent.
Dek kenaifan kau, innocence kau, kau bercita-cita tinggi. Lebih berusaha untuk menjadikan dunia ini lebih baik.
Lebih indah, lebih mulia.

Kerana harapan itu masih kuat. Belum putus. Belum dipatahkan kedangkalan manusia dan kesombongan mereka.

Kau anggap setiap kita adalah sama; mahukan yang terbaik untuk semua.

Makin kau tua baru kau faham dan sedar, yang terbaik itu hanya untuk mereka.

Untuk sendiri.
Untuk diri sendiri.

Harapan itu berlalu pergi. Jauh kau lempar di sudut jauh benak hati.

Aku doakan kalian kekal berharap.
Dan semoga dengan pengharapan yang kekal itu akan ada hati-hati yang tersentuh.

Lalu tersingkap hati-hati ini untuk berubah.

Ke arah dunia yang lebih indah.

Saturday, 27 August 2016


     Assalamaualaikum readers!
I swear I’m growing up.
typical teen who loves to see pretty things, n wanna try out some that are applicable. ((apart from chasing for my "ship of knowledge" , upcoming career(ameen)....of course!! that's for a bright future. InshaAllah))

~~so, in the middle of my love-hate relationship with what i'm currently studying now :

I still find myself browsing shopbop and all the online shopping websites, but I’m more cautious of what I buy. teehee.
I’ll see the clothes and think to myself, “I always buy this kind of style” or “I already have that colour” or “Is this really worth the shipping and the customs tax?” ((urmm,,maybe becuz mak used to work in finance department in customs before??,,i don't know))
After so many questions posed to my conscience, I start to think the most dangerous question of all times.
Because logic can’t be argued with, I sadly remove all the 10 items in my online basket.
And I sadly exit the browser window.
Some more depressing days, I ask myself, “Can I afford it?”
Suddenly, the automated machine card just shines and glows itself from my purse, overshadowing the other junk in there.((NO zahirah!! that is your saving for a bright future. By then i mula membebel kat diri sendiri about having a good grasp in what i learnt at campus(( it's BSc(hons) Financial Mathematics zahirah!! manage ur expenses well,,u surely need it for ur own channel shoes, balenciaga bags,,,n the most prior: for postgraduate study!!))

Oh, the devil. I start picturing my dad’s face, telling me to buy it please because “I want you to be happy, my munchkin.” (He never calls me that but at this point, I think whatever I want to think)
I bite my lip and slowly reach for it.
“Can I really live with myself making my dad pay this much for a top, when I won’t even pay that much using my own money?”
NOOOOOOOO!!! Stop it stop it stop it.
When did I become like this?! When did I become sensible?
I used to not be able to sleep if I didn’t get that one thing I was eye-ing in the shop. I used to toss and turn in bed, and stand in front of the store as soon as it opens the next day. I used to pamper myself. I used to love myself!! Ugh…my poor loveless soul.
Now, I…think.
What’s with women and thinking too much?!
Nowadays, I can look at something really really pretty and know I want it, but don’t need it. I don’t have dreams about it anymore. I don’t have the urge to buy it anymore. If I can’t have it there and then, I can easily forget about it a few hours later. And I’m even happy knowing that my account is still in tact.
I start thinking (here I go again, thinking!) about the future and how I have to save up for….the future. I don’t exactly know what the future wants me to buy, but I know it’s going to be expensive!
Ugh, growing up and responsibilities.
But come to think of it….Would my future realllyyyy be damaged if I buy this one designer top?
After all, as my good friend always says, “buy now, think later.”
I’m so confused! Hehe kidding

Sunday, 21 August 2016

expectation? boo ya!

Z : heyy!!whadya expect?
x: eh why? bukan ke you......
c: ooo i thought you are...

many times i get this kind of statements and seriously, i rasa awkward gila. jari mau jawab "cuba tanya orang yang cakap seperti apa anda dakwa kan"

ini, saya cerita kepada readers, bukan untuk tunjuk macho/cover cun,,but sebab i like typing up my blogposts as if i'm talking to friends. friends who would understand. kalau tak understand pun, will try to understand.
i'm not sure why, but i'm like that. bear with me, please? =)

people now have expectations for me.
some expect to see a crazy lunatic yang hyper all the time, some expect a hajah-like muslimah yang cukup hebat bab Islam((Hopefully one day ameen) , some expect to see a stylish person((belit shawl pon nak terbelit nak tercekik leher), some expect to see a tall person, some expect a big person, language warrior and much much more.

it's tough, i tell you that.
because i'm me. and the way i am, i'm all those mixed up in one body. i am hyper at times, religious at times, selekeh boleh, fashionable sket boleh, i can be either tall or short to you, i can be either big or small to you.
in some unfortunate events, i will not fulfill your expectations (don't over expect)

let's play a pretend game. you don't know me, i don't know you. but for some reason we have each others' facebooks, so we both cam kenal muka la. and one fine day, i see you face to face and i say "la. you tak tinggi pun!"
apa you rasa?
sentap kot. (well, that's non of my business actually)

let's say you dulu terror gila in something. let's say batu seremban. orang sume kenal you because of your awesome batu seremban skills. then one day, you just stopped playing coz you moved on to something else, something that makes you even more happier than before. but people keep asking you "main la batu seremban lagi. main laaaaa. bila nak main lagi ni???"------contoh la...of course bukan batu seremban kan------ >.<
how would you feel?

can you understand that feeling? 
you go through your normal days as usual, but then some people expect you to be the way they think you should be, but when they don't see the resemblance between the 'real you' and the 'expected you', they get disappointed and make you feel bad for not being able to be the 'expected you' with them.

faham kah?

so back to the beginning. like uolls, iolls pun ada time time i tunjuk taring and time i sorok taring. it's normal, kannnn?((kira mcm one side of me is for ppl who i really know like family,,the other side fr friends,,n hidden side for strangers gituu)) =)

oh, and please don't ever call yourself a fan. i won't allow it. unless you want to be fan = kipas. so you choose la, nak kipas dinding or kipas meja. or kipas laptop tu.
tu i allow. =p

i was a fan once((long time agoooo,,acah zamanotak kecik lg). i was so into this one artist and alhamdulillah i had the opportunity to meet him face to face. and guess what. i was disappointed. i went back home after that wondering why i was disappointed and i discovered.. it was simply because he was normal. i was expecting him to be singing when meeting me, i guess, which i thought at that moment, was completely unfair of me. since then, i just want to be an admirer. i take the good points from a person, and that's it. =)

a man is a man. a woman is a woman.
they can be famous and macho and beautiful, but in the end, they're just like everybody else. normal.

anyway, i stopped trying to live up to people's expectations, but it still hurts when people have that 'look', you know?
sometimes i tersentap sangat, that i just get really frustrated with myself. but it's weird.. coz i am supposed to be the way i am.. 

so now zeraa, what are you trying to say?

stop expecting.

why should we expect on others when we ourselves have not done our best in fulfilling Allah SWT's expectations on us?
it would mean a lot to so many people if we just stop expecting.
it would be a lot better if we can be considerate of other people's feelings.
it would be so much better if we fulfill our expectations for Allah SWT's sake, and not anybody's - note to self.

it would be so great if people would stop expecting me to reply to their tweets, messages, facebook friend's requests too. i don't live in the internet. i have work and classes now so i can't entertain everyone. it really hurts when people think i'm being sombong just because i don't reply their tweets or "don't notice them". masyAllah..

i really hope that i won't see that 'look' anymore =')

this is a bit off topic but it's a reminder for us all =)

Abu Hurairah reported Allah's Messenger (may peace and blessing be upon him) as saying: "Verily Allah does not look to your faces and your wealth but He looks to your heart and to your deeds." (Sahih Muslim : Book 32, Number 6221)

i just want to remind you brothers and sisters to not be so into your looks, wealth, status, etc etc. all those things, "gifts", can turn into something bad like riya', ego, arrogance, and ungratefulness.
nauzubillah min zalik! 
we must avoid being swept away by worldly matters! we need to get our hearts purified, cleaned up and filled with love for Allah SWT. we need to remember that this life is temporary, whereas the Hereafter, is forever. in sha Allah.. 

may our hearts be in it's best condition at all times. =)

sekian saja.
jazakallah khair.

ps: i sympathise all new muslim converts yang always have to face expectations from born-muslims. i've heard on radio about how some can actually expect a convert to be able to read the Quran immediately. such thinking is prejudice and un-islamic, so please be kind to our fellow mualaf k peeps. =)

Monday, 30 May 2016

Yapping Away~~

salam readers! may peace be upon you :)

ouch! the title for this entry (gross, not to mean). haha.

but that's the truth.
Got workloads to be done, since i'm going back to melaka this weekend, to celebrate 1st Ramadhan with family ((hurrayyyyy!!)) **happy face**

well, i just started my mini career as a tutor ((very much enjoy it)) ever since i started my 3rd year studies last semester. Officially to declare i guess,,((since they put my name in their official blog)):

Often, I get invitations to provide a class on behalf of NHT.
I always politely decline telling them that I can't do so due to my packed schedule ...wuuu **cry**
only manage to attend one session for additional mathematics for spm candidates previously ((obviously they are brilliant, n i won't hv to teach much))

 it got tousled a bit though...pheww.
i like to spread things i know..
i like to help on those needy..
but surely i'm not that capable on doing this in money basis,,cuz i'm a student yaww!!
the only good things i can give, and spread are knowledge!!
but happened to be that i found it was a bit tough to make myself better-suited with such schedule.
n as a result, few classes that i got need to be forgone.
How i wish i can hv much demand for classes this upcoming holiday.
Yes, I already get 'homework' for this holiday.
but i want to contribute something that i already know too.
it's awesome you know!
teach n tutoring for fun.
i'll be satisfied once the student i taught hv a good grasp in particular subjects.

should stop,
need to prepare for my Wednesday test.
Till then.

~~life is indeed beautiful, and i love challenge, kind of adrenaline-rush for me~~
p/s: Happy fasting guys!!! Ahlan ya ramadhon **am excited**

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

" dear Allah, please ease my stuffs, and give me strength to do these. Verily you are most gracious most merciful.."

Friday, 22 April 2016

Little journey~

((i am too sleepy right now, but yupsiee,,my passion for writing, sometimes is inexplicable weehooo! So, let's come out with an entry. A simple one.~~((let's hope it will be really simple,,iolszz kalau dah membebel susah nak stop, kalau mood nak senyap tu, sepatah tanya, sepatah jugak lah jawabnya)) ))

One thing that i realized ever since it was a 3rd year journey, i got sooooo many journals to be read. So many research to be done. So many academic papers to be revised. Dan buku subjek2 di "medan peperangan" ini yg harus ditelaah. Yer lah, i am not that kind of person yg rajin bebenor nak attend all conferences. Sometimes tu, kalau ada hawa nak tengok biz world tu pun kira boleh bersyukur taww!! Hehe.
Me is a bit degil sometimes. A bit conservative in my own way. But i do like reading so much. As a result, i got so many journals in my list right now .((lantaklah korang nk call me as number geeks/ nerdy/lame etc..)) ((tapi i memang boring pun orgnya hihihi..*gelak guling-guling*)). But yeah, i will feel so much satisfied if i obtain some useful facts through my own reading. Rasa macam 'wow',,'i know it, i can prove to you the source from where i got that facts'...'nayyy,,you can't cheat on me'...bla bla..((perasan lah this girlzz))
To read is easy. Everybody can read. But remember!! To read without understanding the content will be just like eating, without digesting it. So, dah alang2 membaca tu, mestilah analyse sekali kan,,,and there we go...literature review, methodology, data, analysis of a final year project : THESIS.
Basically research yg tip top ni ((berdasarkn pengalaman2 org hebat2 )), mestilah produced through good reading from many sources.Your patience should be high enough for that purpose.
((Ya Allah, kurniakanlah zahirah kesabaran,kegigihan dan kebijaksanaan dlm menyiapkan thesis menjelang semester depan ...aminnn))

I sit in front of the laptop for quite sometimes. Not just for journals-reading, but for coding too. That was Financial Engineering ,where i have to run the program on financial instruments. My eyebags from Chanel, so,,nothing much lah kann.. :p
((Tunjuk sikit penampakan eyebag yg jelas lagi nyata)) sedih lah uhuksz.

Tapi, i believe in what allah s.w.t has promised...allah pandang usaha hamba2Nya, n surely, setiap benda baik yg kita buat tu, mesti akan dibalas dgn kebaikan jgk. So just bear with it.

See, i wrote so much. Sebenarnya nak cerita, today i went to Ministry of Finance n INCEIF (the global university of islamic finance).
Do you know, $1 fall of oil price per barrel will approximately cause a loss of MYR300mil to our country? This was the  result when our country won't be able to profit more from the yield produced.
(look at the red font)
According to current account, hasil negara is still surplus to cover up for managing fund. It is somehow not to cater with the massive development nowadays. But surely we'll be needed more facilities such as schools, hospitals, as the population grows. This explain that huge number on ''hutang'' column. And, accordingly, our current economic is claimed globally as only mediumly indebted, which means, still under control. ((don't ask me further on sensitive issue,cuz that would be narrative hehe))

~belanjawan negara~

dan,kalau rujuk slide atas ni, negara2 yg jauh lebih maju such as Japan, we can obviously notice that their debt(based on GDP), is undeniably greater from our country. This is because Japan's government encourage it's citizen to spend more instead of saving. In fact, the real rate of interest in Japan is negative. They want to create more demand for myriad of industries that rapidly emerging in their own country. And needless to say, big investment always comes with bigger risk. Every request has it's own price. Hoping that Malaysia can stand as strong as those country one fine day.

Jadi sebenarnya, nak buat belanjawan bukan lah benda se'simple' ABC. For students, pernah tak terfikir why on earth would the amount of books voucher given is fixed to RM250? Kenapa tak lebih? Dan kenapa tak kurang? Dan kenapa jumlah tersebut tak diberi dalam bentuk cash? Apa risikonya? 
And as for bantuan rakyat, kenapa sejumlah wang yg diberi? Kenapa bukan fasiliti yg disediakn sebagai bantuan? Dalam bahasa mudah, instead of bagi "ikan" ,why don't mereka bagi "joran" sebagai membantu?
Mungkin di sebalik kutukan yg kita selalu dengar, patut diselitkan sekali dengan inisiatif utk berfikir. Mungkin betul/ mungkin tidak isu di sebalik kutukan itu, bukan sepenuhnya tugas kita utk menghakimi. We should take the positive side of it, learn how to make it right, so that when we are really well-versed in that room of knowledge, we are able to help in mending it to be right again.
It's not an easy task tho.
It's a big challenge for us.
To have that talent, beyond the paper, to articulate knowledge.
But if god will, and when it's a right thing, surely will be eased.

-it's a talk by Mr David Vicary//or his Islam name, Daud Abdullah, a pro in islamic finance, CEO of INCEIF, who used to be a global leader in Deloitte(one of the big 4 acc company globally).

- n this is the 3rd time i got the opportunity to have an academic discussion with prof Dr Eskandar. You can read here on an entry i wrote previously. He was great in knowledge, yet a humble person.
I'm so glad for having those opportunities to learn from great people.

Daaa,It's past midnight and i should have slept by now.

May be blessed viewers ! :)

Monday, 24 August 2015


I used to want everything I said to make perfect sense to someone else, because I was looking for Acceptance.

Really, that's what it came down to. Acceptance. The external "rewards" of making perfect sense, whether on the bowling floor or in a college class or in a corporate job meant I might be OK ... I might not be a freak or a weirdo or abnormal.

So striving for perfect sense made, well, perfect sense.

But as I grow in my own self-awareness, I realize that I don't really want to make "perfect sense." After all, there is no such thing as perfect, which I didn't realize growing up. Perfectionism is a curse until you become aware of what's actually behind the persona of perfectionism: a longing for acceptance, in my case.

I always had crazy, wacky, out-there ideas.Briefly to describe :: CURIOUSITY. As far back as I can remember, I was asking questions no one else was, and wondering why they all "got it" when I wanted more information. Eventually I learned to stop questioning and follow the crowd so I could fit in, as much as a 5'4"(referring to inches n height) 10-year-old can fit in. I wanted desperately to have some companionship with my wacky thought patterns, but since I didn't feel I could share them for fear I'd be chastised, I took what I could get.

How I longed to make "perfect sense" to someone!

And now, many years (and quite a few more inches in height) later, I find that I really don't want to make perfect sense at all. In fact, I want to INVITE DIALOGUE, which means we all get to learn from each other while asking questions that may challenge that "perfect sense" sense. When all the players in a dialogue feel refreshed and enlivened, that's my definition of a good day's work.

You never know when we might discover and create our own "perfect sense."

And this upcoming semester, will surely be a pre-intro for getting into the industry. Math-Geeks! Risk-Geeks!
Welcome 3rd year.
After all, may allah ease my journey. To learn more. To contribute a bit to the planet. To enchant my parents. Ultimately, be a good caliph to my god.