Ticer = Chegu

Assalamualaikum!
**dusting off my blog**
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It's really been quite a while since I last wrote quite a long entry kan? For those who knew me since the very beginning, I am introvert to be honest, which means I rarely start a conversation ((not to rare 😉)),,, ((oh ya forgot to mention that I do love babbling 😛)).

I'm currently a teacher. Okay, temporarily. Just to fill my leisure with 'something',, while waiting for my graduation which is expected to be on this November yeay!! ((alhamdulillah manage to GOT )). So, I applied for this position since my practical days lagi, knowing that going through practical training at a government agency won't straightly guarantee you a placement after that. Yup, simply we have to go through the same cycle; apply SPA,online examination, iv, recommendation bleh bleh,,, which obviously might take some time. Well,the best will always takes time. Tapi I have to say that I am grateful sebab banyak benda yg I dpt belajar throughout the days, meeting people from other agencies, site visits (they call it as kerja luar), many more, will blog about my practical experiences in another entry (kalau ada masa 😗).

Dan berbalik kpd tajuk entry kali ni,  realizing I mmg jenis x reti nak duduk diam dekat rumah, so I apply to be guru sandaran n alhamdulillah i got the offer exactly tak berapa lama after i ended my internship. So yes,,here we go : CIKGU ZAHIRAH ❤. I was placed at an SJK (C) yuolss!!,,which to be exact takes me only 7 minutes to drive there from home ( 👄👄 ) . I memang null when it comes to teaching small kids. Yes, if you have read my old entry, I memang ada involve a bit in education, but it is more towards exam-oriented ,,i mean like teaching upsr/pt3/spm/MUET candidates. I love to get myself involve in teaching those candidates, being a tutor, kadang2 enroll in enhancement programs as facilitator,, you know,, sort of assisting them on how to excel in certain subjects. Tapi most of the time, subjects yg I kena cover is English and Math ((since my major is math n finance)).

Somehow, this time, i was asked to cover for pendidikan agama too!! haha. The school that i was placed is actually quite a small school, not to say remote, tapi memang tak ramai students. So masa kelas agama memang sikit students ((yeayyy )) ***whooppss that was too early to cheer up baby!***

I was expecting senang lah nak handle students in small number kan. But no. Sadly no. Or maybe that was just me who feel quite unfamiliar upon dealing with small kids (since i am the youngest sibling).
Memanglah I dah biasa tutoring, educating,, but the range of ages I am being surrounded this time is totally different. Very small kids with very small sizes hahaha. Uhh well,, here's come the challenge ( i pretty ❤ challenge).

Trust me guys, this is not about the salary. Kalau nak difikirkan gaji seorg guru, hurm, biasa2 je tapi tak lah susah dan tak lah senang . Sederhana. BUT, trust me, the experience you gonna pass through for being a teacher is priceless. Why do i said so? Because at the end of the day you're going to realise that kids are just too innocent. We, as the elders are the one who should nurture them with things they deserve.

I personally rasa macam masuk kelas parenting throughout the days. Primary school. The syllabus ain't that hard for us to guide. Tapi when it comes to psychology, yes, this one could be quite hard. Sebab apa? Sebab as a primary school teacher,we can't simply teach them continuously throughout the periods allocated (well, kalau adult pun akan bosan  kan upon listening to sort of talk n babbling continuously). Small kids' attention are easily distracted. So I have to make it variety , in a way to maintain their concentration, to make the class even more attractive, hence intrigue them to learn and learn and learn.

One more thing that needless to say, is a universal truth;; SMALL KIDS ARE WAY TOO HONEST.
They will tell you exactly what they see, what they hear as it is. No editing. No cut. No addition. So yeah, sometimes i feel like crying and laughing at the same time too upon dealing with this fact. Their sincerity should be highly valued hahaha.

There was this one scene in standard 3 class, I ask to simulate a conversation and create few lines of dialogues regarding the topic that was taught on that day. I have assigned the conversation should be between a child and his friend's father. So I asked him to immitate lines of dialogues as a father. He smiles. Acting cool. *krik krik as if he is thinking*
So i just let he be like that la for a moment, bearing in my mind that he must be thinking of the appropriate dialogues. Tapi suddenly his friends shout to me :  " Cikgu, his father has already passed away"
Then only this boy said to me : " Haah cikgu ayah saya takde"--sambil buat muka tak rasa apa2, bahkan senyum dan excited nak proceed aktiviti yg I bagi dekat dyorg.

Urm.
Ok.
.
.
.
Frankly saying, I don't know how to react. Nak cakap sorry, budak tu pun tak faham sorry utk apa. Kesian. There.
Maka I just let the lesson continued. And they enjoyed it, happily, merrily.

Next typical situation that you might have to confront with ;
" cikgu, nak garis ea?"
"cikgu,nak tulis dekat tengah ke?"
"cikgu, nak langkah berapa?"
"cikgu tak muat!! "  #cikguMuatJe
"cikgu tak nampak!!" #cikguNampakJe
"cikgu harini berapa haribulan?" #cikguDahTulisBesarGedabakDekatDepan

....... dan banyak lagi....

As a teacher, you can't scold them. Sebab itulah tujuan dyorg datang sekolah,, as well as describing your function as a teacher.

So, nak buat apa?
BERSABAR JE LAH.

Setakat nak repeat shouting the same words over and over is a norm. TAPI!!
I jugak a bit upset and disappointed dgn sesetengah parents yg kurang bagi attention dkt anak mereka.
Kind of sad. You x boleh harap cikgu dekat sekolah, merely , to educate your children.
Yes, memang tugas guru mengajar. Tapi sebenanrnya segala-galanya start from home. Education starts from home. Tak semestinya education is limited to formal education. When it comes to discipline, morality and attitude, semua ni bermula dari rumah. Parents should at least take initiative to check over their homeworks, how they dress up, how much they have developed etc.

It is not to pinpoint. Tapi bila I dah rasa jadi cikgu mcmana, perasaan bila bagi homework and students tak buat is very upsetting. Serious talk. Bila tanya kenapa tak buat, simply cakap tak ingat.
Like what?


Just remember one thing;
Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see. We can actually learn many things from them. How much patience we have for instance. They find everything in nothing a.k.a grateful, while us, find nothing in everything(hopefully not, naudzubillah).
.
.
So that's why, not to dictate, but giving attention to your kids is extremely important, for at least, try to notice how they develop and turn to grow into graceful gentlemen and beautiful young ladies.

Muda, life is a beautiful struggle! 😉

Masa kau muda, kau naif. Kau innocent.
Dek kenaifan kau, innocence kau, kau bercita-cita tinggi. Lebih berusaha untuk menjadikan dunia ini lebih baik.
Lebih indah, lebih mulia.

Kerana harapan itu masih kuat. Belum putus. Belum dipatahkan kedangkalan manusia dan kesombongan mereka.
Kau anggap setiap kita adalah sama; mahukan yang terbaik untuk semua.

Makin kau tua baru kau faham dan sedar, yang terbaik itu hanya untuk mereka.
Untuk sendiri.
Untuk diri sendiri.

Harapan itu berlalu pergi. Jauh kau lempar di sudut jauh benak hati.
Aku doakan kalian kekal berharap.
Selamanya.
Dan semoga dengan pengharapan yang kekal itu akan ada hati-hati yang tersentuh.

Lalu tersingkap hati-hati ini untuk berubah.
Ke arah dunia yang lebih indah.

Teen

     I swear I’m growing up.

typical teen who loves to see pretty things, n wanna try out some that are applicable. ((apart from chasing for my "ship of knowledge" , upcoming career(ameen)....of course!! that's for a bright future. InshaAllah))

~~so, in the middle of my love-hate relationship with what i'm currently studying now :

I still find myself browsing shopbop and all the online shopping websites, but I’m more cautious of what I buy. teehee.

I’ll see the clothes and think to myself, “I always buy this kind of style” or “I already have that colour” or “Is this really worth the shipping and the customs tax?” ((urmm,,maybe becuz mak used to work in finance department in customs before??,,i don't know))

After so many questions posed to my conscience, I start to think the most dangerous question of all times.

“DO I REALLY NEED IT?”

Because logic can’t be argued with, I sadly remove all the 10 items in my online basket.

And I sadly exit the browser window.

Some more depressing days, I ask myself, “Can I afford it?”

No.

Suddenly, the automated machine card just shines and glows itself from my purse, overshadowing the other junk in there.((NO zahirah!! that is your saving for a bright future. By then i mula membebel kat diri sendiri about having a good grasp in what i learnt at campus(( it's BSc(hons) Financial Mathematics zahirah!! manage ur expenses well,,u surely need it for ur own channel shoes, balenciaga bags,,,n the most prior: for postgraduate study!!))

Oh, the devil. I start picturing my dad’s face, telling me to buy it please because “I want you to be happy, my munchkin.” (He never calls me that but at this point, I think whatever I want to think)

I bite my lip and slowly reach for it.

Wait!

“Can I really live with myself making my dad pay this much for a top, when I won’t even pay that much using my own money?”

NOOOOOOOO!!! Stop it stop it stop it.

When did I become like this?! When did I become sensible?

I used to not be able to sleep if I didn’t get that one thing I was eye-ing in the shop. I used to toss and turn in bed, and stand in front of the store as soon as it opens the next day. I used to pamper myself. I used to love myself!! Ugh…my poor loveless soul.

Now, I…think.

What’s with women and thinking too much?!

Nowadays, I can look at something really really pretty and know I want it, but don’t need it. I don’t have dreams about it anymore. I don’t have the urge to buy it anymore. If I can’t have it there and then, I can easily forget about it a few hours later. And I’m even happy knowing that my account is still in tact.

I start thinking (here I go again, thinking!) about the future and how I have to save up for….the future. I don’t exactly know what the future wants me to buy, but I know it’s going to be expensive!

Ugh, growing up and responsibilities.

But come to think of it….Would my future realllyyyy be damaged if I buy this one designer top?

After all, as my good friend always says, “buy now, think later.”

Uh-oh.

I’m so confused! Hehe kidding

Expectation? Boo ya !

Z : heyy!!whadya expect?

x: eh why? bukan ke you......

c: ooo i thought you are...

many times I get this kind of statements and seriously, I rasa awkward gila. Jari mau jawab "cuba tanya orang yang cakap seperti apa anda dakwa kan"

Saya cerita kepada readers, bukan untuk tunjuk macho/cover cun,,but sebab I like typing up my blogposts as if I'm talking to friends. Friends who would understand. Kalau tak understand pun, will try to understand.

I'm not sure why, but I'm like that. Bear with me, please? =)

People now have expectations for me.

Some expect to see a crazy lunatic yang hyper all the time, some expect a hajah-like muslimah yang cukup hebat bab Islam((Hopefully one day ameen) , some expect to see a stylish person((belit shawl pon nak terbelit nak tercekik leher), some expect to see a tall person, some expect a big person, language warrior and much much more.

It's tough, I tell you that.

why?

Because I'm me. and the way I am, I'm all those mixed up in one body. I am hyper at times, religious at times, selekeh boleh, fashionable sket boleh, I can be either tall or short to you, i can be either big or small to you.

In some unfortunate events, I will not fulfill your expectations (don't over expect)

let's play a pretend game. you don't know me, i don't know you. but for some reason we have each others' facebooks, so we both cam kenal muka la. and one fine day, i see you face to face and i say "la. you tak tinggi pun!"

apa you rasa?

sentap kot. (well, that's non of my business actually)

let's say you dulu terror gila in something. let's say batu seremban. orang sume kenal you because of your awesome batu seremban skills. then one day, you just stopped playing coz you moved on to something else, something that makes you even more happier than before. but people keep asking you "main la batu seremban lagi. main laaaaa. bila nak main lagi ni???"------contoh la...of course bukan batu seremban kan------ >.<

how would you feel?

can you understand that feeling? 

you go through your normal days as usual, but then some people expect you to be the way they think you should be, but when they don't see the resemblance between the 'real you' and the 'expected you', they get disappointed and make you feel bad for not being able to be the 'expected you' with them.

faham kah?

so back to the beginning. like uolls, iolls pun ada time time i tunjuk taring and time i sorok taring. it's normal, kannnn?((kira mcm one side of me is for ppl who i really know like family,,the other side fr friends,,n hidden side for strangers gituu)) =)

oh, and please don't ever call yourself a fan. i won't allow it. unless you want to be fan = kipas. so you choose la, nak kipas dinding or kipas meja. or kipas laptop tu.

tu i allow. =p

i was a fan once((long time agoooo,,acah zamanotak kecik lg). i was so into this one artist and alhamdulillah i had the opportunity to meet him face to face. and guess what. i was disappointed. i went back home after that wondering why i was disappointed and i discovered.. it was simply because he was normal. i was expecting him to be singing when meeting me, i guess, which i thought at that moment, was completely unfair of me. since then, i just want to be an admirer. i take the good points from a person, and that's it. =)

a man is a man. a woman is a woman.

they can be famous and macho and beautiful, but in the end, they're just like everybody else. normal.

anyway, i stopped trying to live up to people's expectations, but it still hurts when people have that 'look', you know?

sometimes i tersentap sangat, that i just get really frustrated with myself. but it's weird.. coz i am supposed to be the way i am.. 

so now zeraa, what are you trying to say?

simple.

stop expecting.

why should we expect on others when we ourselves have not done our best in fulfilling Allah SWT's expectations on us?

it would mean a lot to so many people if we just stop expecting.

it would be a lot better if we can be considerate of other people's feelings.

it would be so much better if we fulfill our expectations for Allah SWT's sake, and not anybody's - note to self.

it would be so great if people would stop expecting me to reply to their tweets, messages, facebook friend's requests too. i don't live in the internet. i have work and classes now so i can't entertain everyone. it really hurts when people think i'm being sombong just because i don't reply their tweets or "don't notice them". masyAllah..


...

i really hope that i won't see that 'look' anymore =')

this is a bit off topic but it's a reminder for us all =)

Abu Hurairah reported Allah's Messenger (may peace and blessing be upon him) as saying: "Verily Allah does not look to your faces and your wealth but He looks to your heart and to your deeds." (Sahih Muslim : Book 32, Number 6221)

i just want to remind you brothers and sisters to not be so into your looks, wealth, status, etc etc. all those things, "gifts", can turn into something bad like riya', ego, arrogance, and ungratefulness.

nauzubillah min zalik! 

we must avoid being swept away by worldly matters! we need to get our hearts purified, cleaned up and filled with love for Allah SWT. we need to remember that this life is temporary, whereas the Hereafter, is forever. in sha Allah.. 

may our hearts be in it's best condition at all times. =)

sekian saja.

jazakallah khair.

assalamualaikum.

ps: i sympathise all new muslim converts yang always have to face expectations from born-muslims. i've heard on radio about how some can actually expect a convert to be able to read the Quran immediately. such thinking is prejudice and un-islamic, so please be kind to our fellow mualaf k peeps. =)

Little Talk

" dear Allah, please ease my stuffs, and give me strength to do these. Verily you are most gracious most merciful.."

Growing And Growing

I used to want everything I said to make perfect sense to someone else, because I was looking for Acceptance.

Really, that's what it came down to. Acceptance. The external "rewards" of making perfect sense, whether on the bowling floor or in a college class or in a corporate job meant I might be OK ... I might not be a freak or a weirdo or abnormal.

So striving for perfect sense made, well, perfect sense.

But as I grow in my own self-awareness, I realize that I don't really want to make "perfect sense." After all, there is no such thing as perfect, which I didn't realize growing up. Perfectionism is a curse until you become aware of what's actually behind the persona of perfectionism: a longing for acceptance, in my case.

I always had crazy, wacky, out-there ideas.Briefly to describe :: CURIOUSITY. As far back as I can remember, I was asking questions no one else was, and wondering why they all "got it" when I wanted more information. Eventually I learned to stop questioning and follow the crowd so I could fit in, as much as a 5'4"(referring to inches n height) 10-year-old can fit in. I wanted desperately to have some companionship with my wacky thought patterns, but since I didn't feel I could share them for fear I'd be chastised, I took what I could get.

How I longed to make "perfect sense" to someone!

And now, many years (and quite a few more inches in height) later, I find that I really don't want to make perfect sense at all. In fact, I want to INVITE DIALOGUE, which means we all get to learn from each other while asking questions that may challenge that "perfect sense" sense. When all the players in a dialogue feel refreshed and enlivened, that's my definition of a good day's work.

You never know when we might discover and create our own "perfect sense."
And this upcoming semester, will surely be a pre-intro for getting into the industry. Math-Geeks! Risk-Geeks!
Welcome 3rd year.
After all, may allah ease my journey. To learn more. To contribute a bit to the planet. To enchant my parents. Ultimately, be a good caliph to my god. 

Standing

17/9/2014

I'm exactly 20 y/o !

alhamdulillah.

Thanks to the omnipresent god for granting all my wishes all this while.

Being given the chance to savour those up and down in life can be truly said as a fantastic living paraphernalia.

Challenge is my cardio.

Award is my booster.

And after all, these make me to be even more stronger than i would have ever expected before.

It makes me wiser (hopefully)

InshaAllah

Just got a call from my beloved parents, and apparently their support for me never fade off,, just like the rays of the sun that never stop from shining over the lush green greeneries during summers.

I feel better. Stronger. Indeed.

May Allah ease the journey that i would have to go through in the upcoming time.

~~bye, got to proceed on my sort of preparation for tomorrow's class : Linear Algebra~~